she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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