bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have fence marks all over my body
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
