Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
