On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize