hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
