It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
