All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize