I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
