He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
