OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
