dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
