You made me cry and you don't even care
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
