just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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