he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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