I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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