Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
