he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize