Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I touched a dick in church today
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize