i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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