my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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