A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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