I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
