My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
