He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize