she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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