I just gift wrapped bread.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
MIDGETS
????
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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