We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
