I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
