hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
