tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I party with great urgency now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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