Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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