My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
