bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
