Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
