A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
