tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
