Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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