Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize