Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
