she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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