Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He felt like a one man threesome
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
