You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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