I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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