Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
