M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
