Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
