Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize