I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
