If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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