I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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