I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My cat gives me a boner
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
