handjob tips. give me some.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
