My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
