well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
