I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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