and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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