the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
