It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
